it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
