you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
