we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
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As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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