so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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