Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
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