just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
