third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
