Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
