I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
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