Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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