My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
