watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
