Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
