I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Randomize