Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
