I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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