your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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