we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
