I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
