I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
