my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
