i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Randomize
