I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
