You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
