I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
