i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
