i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
