So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
