Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
