Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
