i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
