Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
