im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
