Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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