There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
