I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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