I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
