why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
