I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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