i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
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we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
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you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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