my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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