Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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