WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
