4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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