So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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