How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
my vag is so smooth its legendary
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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