i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
