My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
