he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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