How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
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