i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
