Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Randomize
