Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
