I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Is it because I queefed?
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
