I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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