i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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