You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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